i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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