Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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