You can't motorboat a personality
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
