Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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