who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
