In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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