literally had 100 drinks last night.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
