SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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