I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
