You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
