I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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