if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The power of my boobs compel you
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
