Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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