I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
