You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
