Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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