i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
