my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She told me I should be a condom model.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
