drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
