So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
