Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize