im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
