I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Drunk is not a location!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
