My liver just broke up with me...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
