I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
