i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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