i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
