you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
