Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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