Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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