I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
