I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Pants are for mortals
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
