Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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