I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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