I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
