Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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