im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
