What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
