Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
