my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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