I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
