I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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