It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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