I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
