So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
