bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize