Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
