i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
