i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
