all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
