He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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