your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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