just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
