Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
