it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
