i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
