I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sext me about skeletons
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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