My nipple is on Facebook.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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