so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
