Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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