this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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